Ebola Alert: Curtail Blood, Urine, and Vomit Play

With America’s nationwide Ebola death toll up to one and possibly rising, public health officials warn it’s not too early to take personal precaution. A recent survey by Boston-based Hitseeker Group found that six of nine people who’ve heard Ebola mentioned at least three times since Oct 6 believe they know somebody who comes into frequent physical contact with Ebola-infected blood, urine, saliva, stool, and/or vomit, and are therefore at risk of contracting the deadly virus themselves by handling said fluids among their friends.

Worse, this is under current circumstances. Should the American hot zone spread, the incidence of thinking one knows a person at risk of contracting Ebola is likely to spread, too. Officials point out that should authorities in Dallas fail to contain the disease, it could get as far as Plano and Fort Worth. Pressed for details, they project the maximum possible death toll in the United States to lie between 316.1 and 317.9 million people accounting for those who die prior to contracting Ebola due to heart disease, cancer, or stroke.

A spokesperson for the new Homeland Quarantine Coordination Agency cautioned against distraction from the Ebola threat by reports that, every day, an average of 1,973 Americans suffer a heart attack. “This is old news,” he said. “We must face the new threat head-on while there’s time.” Citing a statistics book, he illustrated how easily the Ebola death toll could double. “With one more death,” he said, holding up a finger and pausing, “just one, we would double the number of people who have died from this terrible disease. Think of what two more would do to the growth rate. Then … three. We could see the number of deaths rise tenfold in no time if we don’t nip this in the bud.”

The agency has devised a color-coded Ebola alert system to help guide behavior. It’s currently flashing bright red, leading some to wonder what color will be used should the rate of expansion increase, but the issue has been tabled for a less pressing moment. The simplest cautionary procedure during a bright-red alert such as the current one is to limit blood, urine, stool, and vomit play to people one knows well and trusts, an admittedly daunting task in a society as friendly as America’s, but well worth it in the short term.

Be careful out there.

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  1. Scott
    Posted October 21, 2014 at 3:55 am | Permalink

    I’m glad that you were joking. I had lost all hope that there were any sane people left so was biased against seeing your rather funny over-the-top satire here.

    Let’s all so play in some vomit and be happy!

    • Posted October 21, 2014 at 8:50 am | Permalink

      Thanks for checking back in, Scott.

      If people didn’t take mainstream media seriously, they’d recognize that it’s already become self-parody.

      Instead, the farce has so deeply stained the intellectual fabric that, for most people, parody of the media is at first indistinguishable from its target.

  2. Gregory Iwan
    Posted October 21, 2014 at 2:25 am | Permalink

    What’s worse is the poor victims who “tune in” to TV infowreck programs are subjected to an average of 240 commercials per hour. That’s a lot of Big Macs!!

    • Posted October 21, 2014 at 8:52 am | Permalink

      Indeed, and you know the sitation is dire when it’s hard to tell which is more manipulative, the programming or the ads.

  3. Dan
    Posted October 21, 2014 at 2:08 am | Permalink


    I was laughing out loud while I read your email. I totally got it, and completely agree with you that the 24 hour news channels are completely making a farce and spreading fear about a serious, but controllable disease. Not that we should expect anything different from these political propaganda, errr, I mean “news” channels.

    My survival plan is to turn off Fox, CNN, MSNBC, etc. forever. Life is so much better without these bozos.

    Keep up the good work!

    • Posted October 21, 2014 at 8:37 am | Permalink

      Thank you, Dan. I heartily endorse your survival plan!

  4. Wendy
    Posted October 20, 2014 at 1:31 pm | Permalink

    I think this was a very irresponsible post..it seems like a fear based reaction to me … and especially from someone living outside the USA currently I believe…IF it was a joke, very poor taste … and if it was written sincerely to address the Ebola situation..it is fragmented and much doesn’t make sense…

    Sorry Jason I have the utmost respect for you, but I cannot find any validation in publishing a note like this, already covered.

    • Posted October 20, 2014 at 11:03 pm | Permalink

      It’s satire intended to show how pointless mainstream media coverage has become.

  5. Larry
    Posted October 20, 2014 at 11:37 am | Permalink

    I have respect for your point of view about stocks, but seriously, your article about Ebola is ludicrous. As Scott points out there are only about 319 million people in the US. Ebola is not going to kill 99% of the population. Even in Africa the death rate from Ebola is just under 50%. We have much better medical care and ability to quarantine sick people than they do.

    Your reference to the so-called Hitseeker survey also belabors credulity. “A recent survey by Boston-based Hitseeker Group found that six of nine people who’ve heard Ebola mentioned at least three times since Oct 6 believe they know somebody who comes into frequent physical contact with Ebola-infected blood, urine, saliva, stool, and/or vomit …” One, just because someone says something doesn’t make it true. Facts are what make things true. Two, what does it have to do with whether or not people heard Ebola mentioned three times since October 6? Three, this is an idiotic statistic. Six of nine people who’ve heard Ebola mentioned believe something. So what? How many people were surveryed? Give us the link to the survey. BTW, I could find no reference to the Hitseeker Group when I searched the internet.

    Read this article for a more balanced point of view: http://www.summitmedicalgroup.com/healthday/article/691038/.

  6. Scott
    Posted October 20, 2014 at 11:00 am | Permalink

    So, there is one death from Ebola so far.

    And there are about 319 million folks in the US currently.

    And some smart folks you state are now predicting that a “maximum” 316 -317 million of us are going to die, leaving 2 million lucky souls or so left to man the US helm.

    This is stupid fear mongering Jason.

    My ebola survival plan is to worry about other things.

    • Peter Ross
      Posted October 20, 2014 at 11:41 am | Permalink

      I’m pretty sure Jason was kidding…. it’s obviously meant to show how absurd the overreaction to the crisis is from the 24/7 media. Ebola day and night, even when there’s no new developments. That’s not to say that it shouldn’t be taken seriously. But, when 40,000 Americans are killed by guns every year and millions have died from Aids and only one from Ebola, we need to keep this in perspective.


    • Posted October 20, 2014 at 2:13 pm | Permalink

      So, Jason, at least a few people so far (other than Peter and I) didn’t get the joke or irony in your post.

      They must be too busy believing every Crisis Woof Blister announces in his Situation Room… after all, EVERYTHING is a Situation for him, right?

      Silly humans…

    • Posted October 20, 2014 at 11:01 pm | Permalink

      Attention: This is satire.

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